I’m not sure if I’m using the write word to describe the actual word that SHE thrown at me last Tuesday. In Hokkien, it sounded like, “If you think you’re so great, you can move out from this house.”
It all started because of “eating fish”. Few days before the incident, I’m really tired with the endless naggings, with the small-arguments at home between HER and Dad (sometimes in the late hours of the night), with the endless shouting at Samuel & this resulted him to cry for attention, all this is too much for my exhausted brain everyday I come back from work. It’s been going on for like a few weeks and somehow, this particular day with my PMS, it hit me up to the roof. SHE asked me to eat fish and I said, “No lar, don’t want to eat fish today.” And SHE started, “I cook already, you don’t want to eat, how to keep for tomorrow. I don’t care you eat.” And I lose my patience, and I raised my voice, “Why you cannot stop nagging?” and SHE blurted out, “You think you are so great? Can raised your voice at me now? Asked you to eat fish and you said I nag you?”
I left the table to unscoop my rice back to the rice-cooker; suddenly, I lost my appetite and with the remainder rice that already got some sauce on it, I scoop up the fish and some vegetables and left the dining table to the hall to eat while watching TV. While I’m eating in front of the tv, SHE continues on in the kitchen about me being arrogant, me being a snob, me being irrespective, me being ungrateful… (The list goes on… but, I wasn’t already listening…)
All the time, Dad was surfing the internet on the first floor and when I finally went up to my room in tears, he mentioned something softly, “why do you have to talk to your mom like that?” and I remarked, “There are limits to something Dad, and SHE has gone overboard.” And then, that’s the time, SHE stood at the edge of the staircase and shouted up to me, “If you think you are so great, you can move out of this house.” And I was shocked and I shouted back, “So, now you’re throwing me out of this house?” and I couldn’t stop crying the whole night until my eyes got swollen. I was still in tears when I fall asleep, I think I got so tired and upset with the whole incident that I fall asleep without knowing it…
Since then, I stop eating at the same table as HER, I stop talking to HER and with Dad away to Macau, and every thing at home is silent and peaceful. Only yesterday evening that I had to pick Dad up from the station that SHE got into the car with me since we are heading out for dinner after that, but we did not talk. During the dinner, SHE acknowledges me as “ee”-in Hokkien (can mean an animal or a person) and not by my name. Even when Dad called to inform me what time to pick him up from the station, SHE just yelled her instructions from the hall without even calling my name.
If SHE thinks SHE is hurt by my action, I think SHE owes me an apology. Instead, HER ego will probably not and that makes me wonder, all this years, what did SHE learn from church, is it just because Dad has return to church and SHE had obediently tag along? Doesn’t SHE really know the difference between many things in this world? Does SHE think that by washing, ironing & cooking are the ONLY ways of showing her care and love? Does SHE thinks that by nagging or arguing is the element of life?
Two drops of tears just rolled down my eyes when I was singing the song in church… my mind couldn’t stop thinking and repeating itself the words SHE said and as much as I could forgive HER, I think my heart was never being cut like this before. And even after a few days, it scars and I don’t think I can ever remove the scar. It’s not like this is the first time, SHE has hurt me twice painfully which up till now, and I still remembers them. I’m not sure if this are ‘remarks’ or ‘incidents’ that cut me so deeply that I remembers them forever or it’s simply too hurtful to forget.
I think many a times, being a daughter, I had tried my very best to please HER, to appreciate HER work… but it is also fair that, SHE could also appreciate what I had done for HER… maybe, SHE thinks that whatever I do is a necessity and it’s a must and obligation. I’m not sure what SHE thinks and as much as I always envy people that have the capabilities to have a heart-to-heart talk with their moms or sisters, usually I end up having them in writing or thru letters. It’s the way I was brought up; the gap has always been there. But, I always tell myself I do not want to do this to my future kids and I had been practicing a closer bond with my nieces; which I think so far time is always the essence.
It’s always about comparisons that really pissed me of. Why can’t SHE accept who I am for who I am? When I was younger, SHE compares my examinations results with SIS or with HER friends’ daughters or sons. Now, that I’m working, SHE is comparing about others’ daughters earning more and giving more, spending time with their moms and treating meals or buying holidays for their moms. Honestly, I do not understand why SHE is never happy for what God gave HER or as a matter of fact, what HER daughters had done for HER. Why need to compare? Are all women like this? Is it a woman’s nature? Gosh, I really pray that I will not grow old to be like HER. Please God…
I’m not sure this “cold-heart” of mine will take how long to warm back but I know the deep-cut in my heart will not heal from it ever. It’s going to always be there to scar it and to remind me why… and since SHE also remarked negatively about SIS, I guessed deep down in HER, now SHE is probably waiting for the glorious moment for BRO to finish his studies and be the ‘golden’ son to shine HER path and be the obedient one.
I was just thinking while the Reverend was preaching away this morning, how much savings I need to start my own new home and how much could I cope to finance the Camry and a new Myvi since my heart is too hurt to continue to drive the Camry since it was intended for my dad’s 56’s birthday cum retirement gift. I think if he chooses to sell it off and dislike driving it, then probably he just has to say it and I’ll take it but deep inside, I think I’ll probably sell it off and buy another new car also. I think it hurt as much to remember if I continue to drive it.
I continue to think how I should go about telling Dad about getting a new Myvi since I want to trade-in the 11 years old Wira that I could get the Rm5000 rebate. At least, I think if I get a new Myvi and drive it, SHE will not say I’m a snob and arrogant. Have you come across anyone that said this to their own daughter? How would you feel?
As of now, when I’m blogging, I’m not sure when is the exact day will I ever moved out from this HOME, but I know it’s time I start to look for a new one after my KK trip. I thought of renting first but I think the cost of renting is going to worth more than buying and by renting, at the end of the day, the house still don’t belongs to me. Then, I was thinking about the cost of furniture that I had to purchase. It’s all numbers and can easily be summed up to a total of 5 digits, but I think if I never start, I’ll never know…
Guessed, KK trip will be my last holiday till the economy back to normal and till I could get a salary increment, or else, I don’t think I’ll be flying off to anywhere for the next 3-5 years. I’m not sure about a short local trip but with the mathematic-calculation in my mind, I don’t think I can afford a holiday and I probably had to cut down on some shopping too. Since traveling is my passion, I think getting a place that I can call HOME will now be my priority.
I’m not sure I’m doing all this thinking due to my impulsiveness-mind or it’s really my time to get my own HOME. Maybe, I’ll regret it since I know it’s not a pleasant thing to think of staying all alone in a condo, cooking & eating myself, but if I’m already being “ordered” to leave this house that I once called HOME, I guessed there is no more heart for me to continue to live here. Day in and day out, having to do things other people’s way, how can this house still be called a HOME for me?
I’m always proud to tell my friends & colleagues at office that I’m a princess at home. With HER giving me home-cooked meals, washing & ironing my clothes and with Dad preparing breakfast daily for me and doing some of my banking & car-related errands for me. There are lots of unaccountability measures and actions which I think I had never stop being thankful for. And I think, given me a way to repay with my resources and expertise, I would and I could and I had.
So, I do not know what more can I do if what I had given is already beyond what I could afford. But, it’s so obvious that it’s all categorized under one BIG word: MATERIALISM. God, is the Devil blinding HER? There is a saying in Malay-proverbs, “Air Dicincang Tiada Putus” ~ because HER blood is in me, I can not be broken off from that… but I think if SHE has the guts to throw me out of the house, SHE already won the battle and I’m sure SHE never regrets what SHE had said. SHE shouldn’t be… because SHE thinks SHE has done right and I’m wrong.
Dinner with Jaime, Alan, Siau Wei & Yoong Han after a tiring Monday...
This is the salad-corner, not much choices actually but nothing to complaint also. It's just "leavey-greens" and of course, tomatoes are my aim as usual. They have all kinds of "dressings", just take your pick at your personal taste, I have my Italian-dressing as usual.
This is actually like "chicken kebabs" but I have no idea where the name "sharwarma" origins. By right here, it goes with the "pita-bread" wrap but because I wasn't feeling like a-wrap today, so I just had the filling; of the chicken with the onions, cucumbers, tomatoes and some dressing-sauce. Taste delicious.
The "ikan bakar" corner but I'm disappointed because it doesn't have my favourite "ikan-bakar"; the string-rays. They had the name label on one of the fish as string-ray but it doesn't look at all like one. I'm not such an idiot to be fooled though so I did not bother to order. Hehehe...
This is how they served all their charcoal-BBQ-meat; sausages, chicken-drumstick, salamy and others that I can't recall. Aunty Ann was complaining of them being too burned. True enough but then, BBQ is like that... not surprising, just slice off the burn-part when I eat. So, what is there to worry? Not that we had them every single day. I know it's cancerous.... but food is to be enjoyed!
